Diagnosis: giggles from China's worst nurse

While I've always been a big fan of The Simpsons, I never thought I'd one day get to appear in the show. And so far, I haven't.

However, during a recent visit to the international department of my local hospital in Beijing, I had a rather frightening encounter with a young nurse who clearly has aspirations to become the Chinese equivalent of the show's Dr Julius Hibbert.

For those of you unfamiliar with the character, Dr H is perhaps best (and most kindly) described as "insensitive". Less magnanimously, you could say he is to bedside manner what Adolf Hitler was to philanthropy.

And so it seems is the case with Nurse X.

I had gone to the hospital in a bid to sort out the best way to get access to the drugs I have to take on a daily basis for a chronic medical condition. In my naivety, I thought a kindly doctor might perhaps be able to give me a "running" prescription, which I could then use, as required, to buy the pills from my local pharmacy.

Unfortunately, the doctor said this was impossible and that I would have to visit him each month to get a new one. And for the pleasure of seeing him copy the simple docket on to a new piece of paper once every 30 days, he would charge me 200 yuan ($26).

A tad miffed at this, I turned to Nurse X (who had been acting as my interpreter) in the hope she might help me find a way round what I saw as a completely unjustifiable charge.

Far from sharing my chagrin, the modern-day Florence Nightingale instead giggled.

Yes, that's right, she giggled. In a sort of grunty-girly-giggly kind of way. "You always have to pay for the consultation," she said with a smirk.

"Not just for the medicine," she added, with a hearty guffaw.

"But isn't that a little unfair," I said, in a manner that made it quite clear that despite the many pills I consume each day, none of them were of the "happy" variety she was patently popping.

"Yes, I suppose it is," she replied, with a titter that was about as endearing as the look a Rottweiler gives you shortly before sinking its teeth into your unmentionables.

"But never mind," she chortled. "Perhaps " (snigger) " you'll be better next month.

"Then " (snort) " you won't have to pay anything at all." (raucous laugh)

Now, I might be mistaken, but as I headed to the pharmacy, with my 200-yuan signature grasped firmly in my hand, I could have sworn I saw Nurse X approaching a middle-aged European woman, who was clearly distraught.

"Is it Mrs Thompson?" she said gaily.

"Lovely. About your son, David." (chuckle) "The doctors have said that unfortunately " (putting on a comic, pseudo-shocked face) " he will have to have both legs amputated." (cheery grin accompanying fingers raised to make quote marks around the word 'amputated').

"But not to worry (poorly suppressed titter) it's not all bad news " (coarse laughter rising to a crescendo) "The father of the little boy in the next bed said he'd love to make you an offer on David's Spider-Man slippers."

(China Daily 11/14/2007 page20)